It Never Gets Easier

When they were large for toddlers acting like toddlers it was kind of awkward. As they get bigger and bigger and don’t change all that much, it redefines awkward.

It redefines hard.

I have a 12 year old boy, nearly days away from being 13 who is currently playing with a little Fisher Price truck, pressing the button over and over to listen to it talk or play a song or whatever the hell it does. I see him walking around the house, stimming and mumbling/moaning to himself in happiness with his truck, and I think of that caregiver that was SHOT trying to protect his severely autistic charge, who the cop believed had a gun.

He had a toy truck.

Those moments shake me to my core, and I spend more time than I will ever admit crying in the shower because of the what if’s that are to come. Even more over the what if’s that will happen when I’m dead. How can I protect them from a world that doesn’t understand that they are very little boys, while they are growing into men’s bodies?

I don’t know.

I’ve considered having shirts made that say front and back “I AM SEVERELY AUTISTIC” just to hope and pray authorities understand the words. Maybe this would quell people’s fears and anxieties when we are out and they are man-sized, but not man behaving.

They are getting ready to turn 13 and my eyes are moving toward the future where I don’t know how we’ll continue to manage our lives with these two great big but very little boys in tow. How long will I be able to take them into the ladies room to change their diapers? What will I do when I can’t? What am I supposed to do?

My husband has limited range of motion and it’s not always easy for him to do it. He CAN do it sometimes. But the facilities are not always conducive – obviously only women need baby changing areas in larger handicapped stalls.

Maybe we just need to get one of those mini-motorhomes for our family adventures, at least we could create some privacy for them in that sort of place. Not that this works well for everything, but it’d be a start.

All I know is that the challenges continue to change.IMG_2119I keep swinging and sometimes I miss and sometimes I hit but I don’t stop.

I think that’s the key.

Like they say in Galaxy Quest…Never Give Up. Never Surrender.


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